fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
