I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
