I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
