I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
