I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
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so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
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So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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