i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
