I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
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