I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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