you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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