tell your sister to shave her snatch
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Randomize
