You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
