so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
