woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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