By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
