he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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