I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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