are you still at the devil's house?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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