That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
