She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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