She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
