I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
