Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
