I faked an abortion last night.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
