dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
