She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Randomize
