Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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