No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
