Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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