I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
