I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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