My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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