I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I need to calm my uterus...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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