The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
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