im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
