This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
