he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
there is glitter all over my balls
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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