Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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