u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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