I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I touched a dick in church today
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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