Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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