I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
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