Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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