my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
