He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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