....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
