I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
