"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize
