i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
