Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
