Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
