my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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