i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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