I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
how drunk are you?
Several
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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