Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
