My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
